Monday, October 27, 2014

There and Back Again

  Singleness... Man, I used to hate that word so much! It personified everything that I didn't want. To have that someone special to love, touch, hold, and laugh with was something I wanted very much.

   To be honest though, the hate for the word single, was fueled by a bigger motivator, fear.  The fear that this word would describe me for the rest of my life. Now, I know, that that statement is a little melodramatic, but it was a struggle for me. Bear with me because this is not, and will never be an easy subject for me to write on.

   So, here we go. I shall title this, There and Back Again, since I am and will always be a Tolkien fan.

   I am going to walk through this as candidly as possible. A little over a year ago I met a beautiful godly girl and was smitten. It was a match made in heaven or so I thought. To meet someone that believed the same things that I held important was awesome. So, we entered into a relationship and it was great, but in the end it was not meant to be and ended. To have someone that you have opened up to completely, to have shared all that you shared, and then have it end when you thought it should go on, hurts deeply. I was wounded, heartbroken, and scarred.

   Neither of us ended the relationship well. I was  not happy and I did not respond well spiritually. I was angry at her for ending it, I was angry at God for allowing it to happen and I was angry at myself for being angry. I wrestled with God for months. I would go to bed at night fighting all of these emotions, asking God why.

   Life goes on though and months go by and the hurt goes away bit by bit. Then I started to smile on the past and the memories were no longer painful to think about anymore. There are conversations and times of prayer we had together that I relish to this day. Am I okay 100%? Nope, scars are scars, they don't go away, but by Gods grace I can over come them.

  The biggest thing that God is still helping me through this year is trust. I have the hardest time opening up and trusting someone because of this experience. This effects me greatly, as I honestly step way back and keep my space from people, more specifically girls. I do not trust girls, and the thought of being close to one and sharing a relationship with each other terrifies me. Even just with my friends, there are times I am close to someone and then I will back away because I fear that the trust I am giving them will be broken by them. It forms this oscillating pattern of friendship and I am sure it frustrates people, as it frustrates me.

    Fast forward to now. God has taught me much through the heartbreak and I can only hope that I am a better man for it. The whole singleness thing doesn't bother me as much anymore. As a matter of fact I embrace it. It is the place that God has me right now. Do I still wish for a relationship? Oh yes, but not in my time. Never again will I jump head first into a relationship. If it supposed to happen then it will happen on God's time and not mine.


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